On His Shoulders

Up! Up! Up! I said.  Or rather, in translation, samoan being my native tongue, I'm almost positive I said "Si'i, Si'i" papa, meaning "lift me up".  I don't remember the first time my father lifted me up to sit on his shoulders but I do know I was very young, about 2 or 3 years old, when I realized the sensation of begging and getting what I wanted. I can guess, it was a daily enjoyment, in times past, since it felt so natural by the time my demands brought me awareness.

I recall one time, being so small, my father looked so tall, like a tree. I gazed up, craining my neck backwards, then sidewards, to get a better view.  I jumped up and down, probably stomped my feet a few times, so precocious, for want of attention.  When I got my wish, I felt my legs snatched up from the ground, suspended in the air, like a bird, as I wiggled and giggled with glee and my joy was complete after seeing my father laughing lovingly at my silliness. In a brief moment, I was swung up swiftly above his head, and placed right on his shoulders without a snag.  It felt so easy, so fluid; the proof of something repeated many times before. I felt so high, so tall, so free, so happy. I felt loved.

I can imagine, all girls and boys, at some time in their childhood, looked at their fathers this way; revered him, loved him, so perfect, can do no wrong.  I wonder myself, how far back children remember their fathers and what activity they remember him best in.  For me, this was the moment locked in time, I remember my father best in. Sure there were other moments, but this one brings a full force connection to his love for me as his child.  But just as any fairytale, it was gone all too soon and no more "si'i" moments, in my memory, occurred. My parents divorced and that was that. I felt an emptiness, an abrupt severence of my happy childhood. His presence was missing. I felt it. But as a child, I didn't know the "what ifs", the "whys", the real reasons for a happiness so full of promise, to be cut so short.  I lived in my bubble of childhood, a blessed protection, God's grace, which allowed me freedom to float happily in my good memories and made me follow my mother to a new life.