On His Shoulders

Up! Up! Up! I said.  Or rather, in translation, samoan being my native tongue, I'm almost positive I said "Si'i, Si'i" papa, meaning "lift me up".  I don't remember the first time my father lifted me up to sit on his shoulders but I do know I was very young, about 2 or 3 years old, when I realized the sensation of begging and getting what I wanted. I can guess, it was a daily enjoyment, in times past, since it felt so natural by the time my demands brought me awareness.

I recall one time, being so small, my father looked so tall, like a tree. I gazed up, craining my neck backwards, then sidewards, to get a better view.  I jumped up and down, probably stomped my feet a few times, so precocious, for want of attention.  When I got my wish, I felt my legs snatched up from the ground, suspended in the air, like a bird, as I wiggled and giggled with glee and my joy was complete after seeing my father laughing lovingly at my silliness. In a brief moment, I was swung up swiftly above his head, and placed right on his shoulders without a snag.  It felt so easy, so fluid; the proof of something repeated many times before. I felt so high, so tall, so free, so happy. I felt loved.

I can imagine, all girls and boys, at some time in their childhood, looked at their fathers this way; revered him, loved him, so perfect, can do no wrong.  I wonder myself, how far back children remember their fathers and what activity they remember him best in.  For me, this was the moment locked in time, I remember my father best in. Sure there were other moments, but this one brings a full force connection to his love for me as his child.  But just as any fairytale, it was gone all too soon and no more "si'i" moments, in my memory, occurred. My parents divorced and that was that. I felt an emptiness, an abrupt severence of my happy childhood. His presence was missing. I felt it. But as a child, I didn't know the "what ifs", the "whys", the real reasons for a happiness so full of promise, to be cut so short.  I lived in my bubble of childhood, a blessed protection, God's grace, which allowed me freedom to float happily in my good memories and made me follow my mother to a new life.

Kionasina My Heart

In the corner of my memory dwells my early childhood fascination with the story of SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS.  It was dubbed "KIONASINA" in our samoan language. The name Kionasina itself sounded magical and special. A name for a Princess!

I guesstimate my age between 3 and 5 years at the time.  Before seeing the fairytale performed live, I first saw the movie at my great aunt's house, who was also my next door neighbor, on a television I beleive was 19 inches big.  It was disturbed by blurry, snowy reception. I can still hear the buzzing sound in my ears when I recall the memory. Regardless, this problem was of little consequence. My little self was proud that I was part of the lucky few who had access to a tv in our village!  Television was a wonderful novelty then and to be privy to one was a huge privilege. Disney programs aired every Sunday night.  The word spread like wildfire and my aunt's living room became a free-for-all theatre for the curious children of our hood.

Being so young, I was impressed with the themes of good and evil, the beauty of love and romance, the sadness of death and the joy of a happy ending. I recall hating the queen for her cruelty and black heart and rejoiced at her demise.  And who didn't want to be a Princess?  Who didn't want her own Prince Charming?  Who didn't want a magical, talking mirror? Minus the menacing man in it.  Who didn't want a red, delicious apple? Without the poison, of course.  I wasn't sure of the 7 dwarfs, but their kindness to Snow White was wonderful and noble. So I think that was enough to recommend them to me. In all, the movie left me unsatisfied. I wanted and wished for more!  I had many questions. 

A declaration came one summer proclaiming the story of Kionasina was coming to town. Imagine how thrilled I was when I was told it was Snow White's story! I was excited and could hardly wait to see it!  After weeks of anciticipation, the day finally arrived.  It was twilight when my relatives and I walked eagerly to the village square where our Fesoasoani resided.  He was our church community's curate, assistant to the Catholic priest. We sat on the dusty, cracked, cemented driveway of the Fesoasoani's residence and fought our way to sit front and center.  Those prepared enough brought pandan mats or cardboards to sit on.  I didn't mind those things.  I only wanted to watch the show. The crowd was large. People were talking and debating, laughing, joking, anxious for the show to begin.  Then blared the trumpet!

They announced their procession with trumpets, horns and drums, marching in unison, like a cavalry of soldiers, waving colorful flags and banners. I was fascinated with the dramatic parade of actors, ordinary people, moving, singing, talking their parts in Shakespearean fashion.  One act became two then three all too soon. Loud cheers and laughter filled the air that night and I was very sad when it ended.  I wished it would never stop.  The play became so real to me and brought to life the characters from the movie itself.  I was amazed! I laughed, I cried, I hated.  Above all, I wanted to be Kionasina! I wanted my own prince charming!  And from that day on, began my fascination with romance and love and happy endings and red, delicious apples.  I think I promised to fight for good against evil!

In retrospect, the story of Snow White, fueled my imagination and bombarded my young thoughts with the idea of true love and happy endings. The notion "AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER" was a hope inspired by true love, but misleading nevertheless. But I believe, when one finds true love, THAT love can create a happy ending.  My introduction to good and evil was so profound I hated the very thought of it.  Without much introspection, I lived a young life always trying to be good. I didn't always succeed, but at least I tried.  The very thing, I do remember, my mind was set upon, was how in the world was I going to get a red apple!